7- selfish

you said I talked too much 

so 

I learned to pick the words that would reach you best. 

my mouth casts spells and they are my favorite weapon. 

You like its backlash.

I conjure up your perfect potion 

or maybe it’s like a poison

I don’t know.

somewhere here is when I started to become smaller. 

my voice became quieter as my mind started to scream, help me please but it appeared that my calls would only fall on selfish ears so full of their own fears as they drive blind never checking the rear

life is funny like that

Ya know,

sometimes the 

reflection in the mirror is out of their body and way closer than it appears

y’all act like Peter Pan Kill your ego and grow the fuck up

This is not Neverland 

this is real

you said I was too soft but as soon as I started acting like you, you couldn’t fathom it and shit went left out of random or the lack of order you cultivated as a major performer 

take a bow

you are my hearts favorite contortionist 

I find that you all have such a gilded cast over your eyes 

when I cross your mind but no one dares to know the violence I’ve endured to be so kind 

they wouldn’t dare to see what my mind sees and 

I have loved myself out of the dark,

they say poets are most alive when we are in love 

and yes 

in previous chapters I’ve spun

 and spit out someone’s words for days they wouldn’t quit 

trying to,

find the right words so the message would stick

like a light switch, it clicks 

get a grip

I write from pain 

it keeps me sane 

a small release for my brain.

when my cup runs empty

you all just stand and fucking stare and gasp with your mouths ágape until it fills again

slowly 

you continue to take more than what you need from my fountain you

Drink me in to drown me out 

then lick your lips 

you love my love poems 

Narcissistic 

You think it’s about you

You acted your shoe size not your age so yes

You’d fit the shoe

I write from the lack of feeling it

you ask if it’s a magic trick

fucking ridiculous

it’s so selfish.

you know I’m selfless

you think it all I can fix I see a pink broken brick

 Summer is here over it 

I trip

gracefully I slip

I have a gardening sense I know what needs to be snipped 

my golden hands are well equipped 

and truthfully I’m tired

I can’t keep doing this.

you say you love me 

No.

you just loved how good I’d feed your soul

you say you was there but you could never find the time to console 

I know I am whole and when I needed you to hold, I found myself lonely but not alone 

You are so cold

I 

Ran into damaged souls who drained me of the most important aspect that makes one whole

Love

and still

you’d just fuckin’ stare at my cup 

never in a rush to help fill it up

cause you too busy with ya head up ya ass 

now in ya shit you stuck

what an embarrassing cycle 

you never ask if what I do is hard to do 

you,

just see everything through your eyes

It’s always about you 

vulnerability is the last thing I hoped you see in me but the first thing I looked for in you 

and you called me patient 

I hate it, on me you baited 

you wanted me waiting it seemed with no intention of ever-changing 

and if that’s the case then

what the fuck is patience? 

I don’t have a clue 

how to do it

mountains 

2016, this song, it reminds me of us 

of you

my voice is lost in the valley

you don’t hear me calling 

You think it only rains on you but you never bring an umbrella when you'd known for we’d hit this inclement weather

fooled my heart into thinking its okay to keep space for you 

sugar-coated your greed so to me it tastes sweet

it kept me in a daze for days

I kissed your mind it’s so unique

a siren song I could not compete 

after ya class you were mad I said you

hurt yourself to make sure I don’t leave 

I saw that text at three

I swipe, delete 

on the beach, you just watched as our sandcastles bleed

you’re a mastermind but I’m the locksmith

Been had the key

cannot

save a soul for later, leave it for too long on the shelf it loses its flavor

I think I need a razor maybe a taser to

not be frank but close to you is where 15 year old me wanted to be then not later

heart and mind okay I

 guess they played a back-and-forth game 

of how much shame 

my pride can take 

nah son

trippin over you felt just lame

lost myself in you so getting back to me felt insane

I hope I don’t become the pain

  Shit was crazy left me high and dry

just fight the feeling is all we do

Inside it’s killing me but outside I’m cucumber cool

fell for the representative

I forgot it’s all a game 

You’d set the illusion so well

I’d lost

gambled and I couldn’t care about the cost

I stare at the score

I felt like you got it 

You won

 abruptly robbed all the warmth from the sun 

Congratulations,

you leave with more than you asked for

Your ego is eating you up

Let’s see how far you get with that,

It never really lasts tho

I had to swerve on a love I was willing to crash for

lost in translation

honestly feet hurt been ran out of patience 

like what the fuck is waiting 

around for loose change wearing a mask of “love”

tell me

don’t that just seem like fumbling for small shit, getting robbed and being stuck?

tick-tok shit out of luck 

Time is of the essence 

Or was 

you never saw the urgency 

you seemed so jaded

later I write it

fuck it, fuck you I put the green gift to my lips

I inhale bliss I 

try not to flip , trying not to self-sabotage

I need to dip

when I wanted to quit you threw a fit and deeper into my back you’d dig  

you think I’m always bliss 

l laugh

You squint 

but, 

even if I gathered up all the evidence and gave you a hint and from your eyes I removed the tint

I'm foreva fresh to death brush off my shoulders remove the lint

you never got it or I should say me

truth for eye drops it was crystal clear to see

No longer in terms of we 

Us, Please

You could never see

Now you say I'm a necessity 

Like an ecosystems honey bee 

now in these moments, I am a wasp

I am no longer soft

You made me change in the worst way

I have become a performer 

A masked pretender

I have become just like you

You have drained the special from my mental and now I feel like my heart has traumatically learned to settle

you was so indecisive so choosy

you pick and choose with me

And you never choose me

never had you so you didn’t lose me just used me loosely 

for you it’s

out of sight out of mind 

with you, I still felt alone it does not feel kind

turned my love to like over time

And yet you still ponder if and how fast I can snip your weeds and mine 

as usual

soul on the road you a Mack you a chooser

an addict that can’t mask it 

graciously burned our line 

for younger me crying,

you swap bodies and still forget I know how to read ya mind

on your soul, I see it reads in print that is fine: 

selfish

next: the light