6- red pill

it’s like I’m looking in a mirror but not quite exactly 

every time I look in this mirror, 

I smile, I'm happy.

you wonder why I’m so hesitant 

I hope you don’t see my cracks

In my head you’re the only resident 

still my demons come and dance with me 

they make me sick,  you’re my medicine.

you’re all it takes.

so what did you 

that made me so involved with you

lately, you’ve been visiting me in a way that’s new.

the only time I’ve been seeing your face, is when my eyes hit the pillowcase,

And if i’m being honest,

I don’t wanna be awake, I’d rather stay there with you.

I don't want to be here. 

I have a new coping style and I’ve tried to hint at and make you aware that

I am so scared.

Terrified and paranoid. Thankfully, you’re changing me

So I put you over everything to fill the void in my heart

I know you feel yourself falling in

How can I save us both?

I found myself trying to go back to that dream state with you they can’t find me there, they’re scared of you

I remember I was just so happy to 

To hold you, feel you, the real you.

I think it was a dream. I can’t remember.

I never helped, just watched and silently screamed as we fell apart.

From the bottom of my heart I didn't know you’d feed my spark 

I made you a promise that we’d always work whatever out together. I really meant it. I got you, forever. 

I want to tell you the truth but it may take more than a day, week, months and still with you

I know that over the years I will eventually get over all my fears that have been

Preventing me from letting you see all of me perfectly clear 

they keep saying something bad may happen,

I can’t lose you.

Afraid to fuck it up so I’m hesitant to choose you.

Maybe that's why the first time we got together

It felt like a relief, like I can really breathe 

you are so you, it’s a superpower

you bring silence to my violent truths

and within this final hour

It’s like I’m waking up and can really see like its been forever

You are my future endeavor, 

I find we weather any storm better together

the tide is high and now I cant feel your flame or see it flicker,

I seek to finish what I’ve started before the light is gone 

now everything seems dimmer

Trying to forgive parts of me that haven’t been so clever

Meeting someone like you who knew I’d ever 

however 

when I spoke those words aloud altogether 

I think the universe heard, Cemented them into the earth, 

She reminding me of the weight of my words,

They don't just affect me. 

Your life is not yours alone, take your hands off it. 

reminding me every time I close my eyes and just like that I slip into a place

That makes me pop a pill I feel less bad as I forget to feel

in my head and they keep getting louder when I think I may want to let you know-

I can't not now not yet 

I’m sorry 

I selfishly shook on a bad bet. 

sometimes I try to drink them out, smoke it out

that doesn’t even work half the time I may just make it worse, I don’t know.

what happens if I deny them and give myself completely over to you

I wanna see us make it, I wanna see us through

Just promise you’ll stay by my side, stuck on like glue

I will give you something different, something better, a better me that’s new,

It takes only a little bit of you to make me calm

I wonder what it takes to make them go away it’s getting late

envy recruited my “homies” to be demon deacons they steadily waiting elated they ready attending my wake

instead of taking the drugs they are taking me

I cannot clearly see all I know is I’m living blind in my body 

haven’t been sleeping but I'm sleepwalking

this isn’t me talking 

when I hear Cole’s part of Sacrifices I get to bawling 

for you in my knees I get weak

The thought is getting bleak please help me I am drowning,

arms tired of searching for the shore I seek

I know you see through my pretending

I’m cracking a smile while dying inside,

My demons are close I’m trying to hide,

I’m poppin a pill to feel a different thrill a different high

I hope you can bring me back to life.

Bring the light back to my eyes.

mirrors inside me recognize you

I'm scared to look I know the truth I’ll see

I'm scared of you

Because I’m scared of me.